every morning i sit and sip my matcha, rich and creamy with cacao butter and coconut manna and raw honey, out of my favorite brown mug.
sitting on our old leather couch, under an even older floral comforter with the sun warming my face.
husband at work, kids at school, me breathing deeply into my cup of ground.
pulling me back into me.
hearing my heart beating.
feeling my breath filling my lungs.
it's been over a week since i've sat in this space.
since april began fear has been the word of the day.
try as i might to ignore it and fight it and bargin with it, it has been my shadow.
never leaving my side.
from woman to mother to friend to lover, each piece of me has felt the depths of fear.
"this morning i am scared. i can see the crossroads approaching and i'm not ready for them. i don't know which way i want to turn yet. neither way feels good nor comfortable. fear is slipping in. fear of the unknown. fear of it all moving too quickly, before i know what my decision is. fear of having my choices taken away from me. fear of having to make the decision at all. fear of making the wrong choice. fear. and underneath it all is my truth. i am scared because my truth scares me. it brings up all my demons and ghosts and skeletons. shame following closely behind. i want someone out there to tell me it's ok, permission to feel the way i feel. i am fearful of my truth. *deep breath* this time truth comes in a form of self-preservation. self-love and self-care. boundaries. i will no long fly into the storm, bracing myself through it and barely surviving. wind and turbulence i choose to handle, but no more sacrificing my spirit. i choose to take cover instead. that in and of itself brings with it levels of shame i couldn't have imagined. *tap. breathe. i still love you* unconditional love. for myself and for my truth. owning my 100%, releasing what is out of my control. knowing that even though the choices may not be easy, i always have a choice."
after that morning i was given opportunity after opportunity to find my truth.
and i stayed.
i didn't turn around and run.
standing on the edge of my rabbit hole, i took a deep breath and jumped.
each and every time.
and in all honesty, it sucked.
and i grew and evolved again and again.
the necessary impulse to express emotions, the uncontrollable biological need to release them.
my truth at the bottom of the rabbit hole.
i needed to cry.
with the fear came sadness and pain.
and tears of futility.
i needed to rant and yell and swear.
the anger and frustration had to come out.
with my girlfriends and in nature.
safely and beautifully.
it needed to release.
and then came hope and joy and love.
sitting in a seminar listening to dr. gordon neufeld speak about attachment and connection and release.
for 6 hours my spirit wanted to jump out of my skin and dance around the room with joy.
validation like i had never found before.
permission came in the form of our basic biology.
a knowing deep down in my soul.
there he was, speaking from his rabbit hole of truth.
and his truth matched mine.
i hugged him.
thanked him truly for his work.
and turned as my tears started to fall.
in a week of so much fear and pain, i had again found hope.
which for me as an intensive and a do-er who values knowledge and wisdom, hope takes the form of understanding.
understanding of the human psyche and why we do what we do, it's how i show up in the world.
how i make sense of my gifts of empathy and compassion.
how i support those who have my heart.
how i make peace with the world around me.
"mom, if you could have any super power in the whole world what would it be?"
"i would read minds."
"what?? why would you want that?"
"because understanding the human mind, hearing others truths is the most fascinating thing in the world...and right now i can only know if they let me in."
all three littles look at me as though i've lost my human mind.
knowing that for me, understanding them and hearing their souls is the greatest gift i believe i could ever give them.
a week that has knocked me flat on my ass.
so today i sit on my comfy brown couch, wrapped up in my cozy flowered blanket, sipping my bright green matcha while the birds sing outside my window.
and writing to you.
from deep down my very messy rabbit hole.
" if you don't know where you want to go, then it doesn't matter which path you take." ~ alice in wonderland