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©2017 by angela rosenthal

how spirituality made me f#*&ing sick // musings from down the rabbit hole

April 12, 2017

 

 

ok.

 

here it is.

 

my rant.

 

i am so damn tired of the bullshit out there faking spirituality and positivity, when all i see it doing is leading to more shame and suffering.

 

posts like the one above make me rage.

 

rage like the fires of hell are going to consume me.

 

i speak from my own experiences.

 

where these words strung together made me sicker and sicker.

 

if they work for you, that's great.

 

i'm glad they inspire you.

 

this rant isn't meant for you.

 

it is meant for those who read things like "i choose happiness because it's good for my health" and then feel so. much. shame. for not being able to choose happiness that day.

 

their anxiety taking them over.

 

their nasty voices telling them how terrible of a person they are.

 

that if they could just get their shit together, they could truly be happy.

 

and fun and rich and liked and unaffected and not give a fuck.

 

like the woman in this picture.

 

that it is their fault they are struggling.

 

if they could just think better thoughts, they could stop suffering.

 

depression stealing their joy and excitement and passion and motivation.

 

the spiral taking them down further and further.

 

......

 

"let the thoughts float on by..." she said from the front of the room.

 

in her tiny little body with her soothing voice.

 

calm and poised and peaceful.

 

as i tried to hold the pose.

 

and keep breathing.

 

and not fall over.

 

and omg why can't the voices just float on by.

 

what the hell is wrong with me that they stick.

 

they attack.

 

they are relentless.

 

i'm failing.

 

every day.

 

if i could just somehow control the shit in between my ears i could find my peace.

 

maybe if i did yoga every day like her.

 

if i lost weight and looked like her.

 

if i could stop attaching to my thoughts like her.

 

or attaching to anything for that matter.

 

then maybe i could find peace.

 

leave my suffering behind.

 

since they say suffering isn't real, i must be doing something wrong.

 

fuck.

 

i'm still thinking.

 

stop thinking

 

stop thinking.

 

stop thinking!

 

i am so doing this wrong.

 

i need to try harder.

 

no wonder i'm anxious and depressed.

 

this is all my fault.

 

i deserve to suffer..."

 

......

 

i tried.

 

holy hell did i try.

 

i read the books.

 

i did the meditations.

 

i posted the inspirational quotes on my walls.

 

both on facebook and in my home.

 

i spoke the language, i learned it well.

 

i worked hard on not thinking anything bad for fear that i was manifesting all. of. the. suffering.

 

i tried the new fancy supplements.

 

i went to the seminars.

 

i spent thousands on spiritual based therapy and energy treatments.

 

i was still sick.

 

getting sicker and sicker.

 

shame took me over almost completely.

 

it must be me...it seems to work for everyone else.

 

that was the thought on repeat.

 

it's not the treatments, it's me.

 

i'm broken.

 

and stupid.

 

and not trying hard enough.

 

if i could just think the right thoughts i could live a life i love.

 

and when nothing worked no matter how hard i tried.

 

when i was still suffering and suffering, the pain so great that i couldn't breathe.

 

i wanted to die.

 

i wanted out.

 

i didn't want to hurt anymore.

 

i didn't want to risk hurting anyone else.

 

if there was any chance my saddness was causing an ounce of pain in the ones i loved so dearly, i wanted to get away from them.

 

i wanted to run.

 

but i stayed.

 

i got up and tried again.

 

something else in the world of spirituality.

 

the latest and greatest.

 

put my hope into it, praying it would bring relief.

 

then i would feel whole and love myself, and then i would truly be deserving of my husband's love.

 

but until then, he shouldn't love me.

 

he couldn't love me.

 

i didn't love myself.

 

i was too broken, too screwed up.

 

i was just going to hurt everyone because i couldn't figure out how to stop the stress response in my body.

 

i couldn't get to a place where i didn't feel it anymore.

 

and if i couldn't stop it, then i must be the thinking wrong thoughts.

 

not manifesting hard enough.

 

forgetting to clear my energy.

 

not wearing the right stones.

 

all. my. fault.

 

......

 

bullshit.

 

it is all fucking bullshit.

 

we are emotional creatures.

 

we feel love and joy and excitement.

 

and sadness and grief and fear.

 

this blame out there telling us it's all. our. fault. that we're suffering is the worst part of all.

 

suffering is part of the human experience.

 

and having a mental illness is not something we can just think better thoughts to fix.

 

telling someone with anoxeria it's their fault because they need to think different.

 

telling someone with bipolar disorder it's their fault because they need to think different.

 

are you kidding me!?!

 

do i believe we can get stuck in victim mode?

 

yes.


but we need love and support and attachement to those who care about us to begin to recover.

 

not shame around our "bad" thoughts.

 

do i believe that energy exists?

 

yes.

 

i do believe in energy.

 

and smudging and releasing.

 

but i do not believe it is everything.

 

we are not just an energy body.

 

we are body mind and soul.

 

we can not just focus on one piece and forget about the rest.

 

the only way i could finally heal was to eliminate all of that bullshit from my life.

 

no more facebook quotes.

 

no more instagram energy healers.

 

no more books about manifesting.

 

they all led me to shame.

 

and took me right back into the darkness.

 

......

 

today i would consider myself in remission from my mental illness.

 

i have struggled my entire life with anxiety.

 

which lead to bouts of depression.

 

and thoughts of suicide.

 

medication helped.

 

an online women's circle helped.

 

taking selfies and truly seeing myself helped.

 

balancing out my nutritional deficiencies helped so. very. much.

 

doing shame work, and speaking the forbidden thoughts helped.

 

giving those "bad" thoughts a voice, instead of fearing they would manifest suffering if i even thought them.

 

reminding myself out loud that i loved me no matter what, helped.

 

bilateral tapping and emdr helped.

 

understanding what boundaries were so i could finally be able to have them helped.

 

speaking about my truths helped.

 

accepting that there are good days and bad days helped.

 

knowing that suffering is part of the human experience instead of something i needed to fix helped.

 

i am me and i am still working at it every. single. day.

 

my recipe for healing is going to be different from yours.

 

we are all made up of different bits and pieces.

 

but one thing i know to be true for me.

 

no amount of thinking myself better ever helped.

 

ever.

 

i believe...

 

emotions exist because we are human.

 

we are not god or divine.

 

we are human.

 

we are not above it all.

 

we are meant to feel.

 

to grow.

 

to evolve.

 

to change.

 

without our emotions that all goes away.

 

our humaness goes away.

 

for me, i like feelings.

 

and i like being human.

 

this is my truth.

 

and my rant.

 

from what i have found at the bottom of my rabbit hole.

 

 

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